Now I only have a couple of minutes (I’ve been having some trouble with the DeLorean), so listen up.
If you think your election cycle in 2020 has been crazy, well, you ain’t seen nothing yet.
I’ll give you a little fast forward. Spoiler alert: Joe Biden never becomes president. Though President Trump’s legal challenges never gain much traction, he still has the Republican Party in the palm of his hand, and Mitch McConnell will announce that he’s delaying the 2020 meeting of the electoral college until 2026, because, you know, them meeting now to pick the president could have undue influence on the 2024 elections.
Then, on Christmas Eve 2020, Biden will show up late for another one of his primetime addresses only to announce that he can’t take it anymore and no longer wants to be president. Kamala Harris will reveal herself to be a Republican double agent, and will thank Trump for donating to her Attorney General campaign. She’ll concede the election to him, albeit with a strained smile.
So Trump will get to have a second inauguration, which he’ll claim was attended by “a trillion, trillion and a half people.” Maybe the weirdest part of his second term is that he’ll start breakdancing at all of his rallies (he’s actually pretty good!). Trump will get so into breakdancing that he will leave the White House and move to Los Angeles to pursue show business, along with his rapper friends, Lil Pump and 50 Cent. At this point, Mike Pence will become president for a day before being usurped by a coup from Don Jr. But thankfully, Rudy Giuliani will still be around to save the nation (after he usurps Don Jr.), and he’s actually been a steady, successful 48th president as we head toward the next election.
That 2024 election, by the way, looks like it’s going to be pretty cronk (sorry, I guess you all wouldn’t know what that means yet). Oprah will run against Fox News’ Sean Hannity, but not as Republicans and Democrats, since Trump will have used a 2022 executive order to rename the parties the Winners and the Whyners (spelling is still not his strong suit). They’ll have to fend off a third party challenge from Dr. Anthony Fauci, who’s running as a member of Kanye West’s Birthday Party due to his disgust with the major parties’ handling of the pandemics (yes, there’s another one).
Sorry, but I gotta go now so I can get back to 2024 in time for the daily episode of Dancing with the Donald.
Photo courtesy of Michael Candelori Photography/Flickr
