Were they purchased as part of some shadowy business agreement between the district and a struggling flask manufacturer? Were they some kind of trick to bait students into bringing alcohol to school? Were they intended for use as makeshift weapons in some kind of district-wide brawl between students and adults?
These and other theories ran wild as students received CHCCS-branded flasks with little-to-no explanation during PAC April 13.
But as the ECHO has recently learned, the truth is far more outlandish than any of the rumors. These small canteens are in fact the first step in the so-called “CHCCS Master Plan,” as designed by district Superintendent Nyah Hamlett and Chief Financial Officer Jonathan Scott.
“They have no idea what we have in store for them,” Hamlett said in a secretly-recorded conversation with Scott. In response, Scott seemingly let out a maniacal cackle.
In accordance with the Master Plan, students will be receiving more items over the coming weeks. During the next PAC, first aid kits will be distributed. Then, pocket knives, rolls of duct tape and hand-crank radios. By the end of the year, each CHCCS student will have been provided the equivalent of a full wilderness survival kit.
But why? Purchasing the flasks alone cost the district hundreds of dollars which some argue could easily have gone to other, more immediate causes, such as understocked supplies, underfunded infrastructure or underpaid staff.
Well, according to Hamlett and Scott, these investments will pay off a thousandfold when the CHCCS Master Plan enters its second stage: the destruction of all school buildings.
At the end of the 2021-2022 school year, the district will reportedly cut off all funding for school maintenance. Banking on the theory that an unregulated student body will inevitably destroy their environment, Hamlett and Scott believe that most of the schools in the Chapel Hill-Carrboro area will be in ruins by the end of the next school year’s first quarter.
“Look at what they did to the bathrooms at East and Chapel Hill,” Scott said. “With kids like that, our evil plan is sure to succeed!”
With the school buildings reduced to rubble, the Master Plan will finally come to fruition. No longer burdened by the costs associated with holding classes in an actual structure, and boasting a student body equipped with all the necessary supplies to get by in the wilderness, CHCCS will relocate all educational activities to the woods surrounding each school.
“Nothing can stop us now!” Hamlett said, to the villainous concord of Scott. The sound of wine glasses ominously clinking could be heard on the secret recording.
Despite its sinister appearance, the CHCCS Master Plan will undeniably save the district a lot of money and will put the seemingly wasteful district-branded flasks to an unexpectedly practical use. It is strangely comforting to know that, however malevolent, our leadership does have legitimate, consistent goals and isn’t just making it all up on the fly.
