This year, while turkeys were roasting and families were gathered to give thanks just as often as scalding glares, tensions were rising in the White House. Two days after the annual presidential pardoning of the Thanksgiving turkey, this year named Gravy, the turkey was declared missing, and a full investigation was launched into its whereabouts.
The primary suspect of its disappearance? President Trump, who was said to be eyeing the turkey and “visibly drooling” at the pardoning, and who accidentally tweeted out “Hey are we eating this thing or what?” during the ceremony.
“This disappearance is a national tragedy and we are doing everything in our power, except identifying the turkey we may or may not have eaten on Thanksgiving, to find out what happened,” declared President Trump in his statement to the press. “And to all of the people accusing me and my family of eating Gravy on Thanksgiving, you need to adjust your focus, because what’s important isn’t what I did, it’s what you can’t prove I did unless I release the evidence, which I won’t be
doing.”
While the logic behind this statement is airtight, it doesn’t check out, since the White House actually released a photograph of the first family on Thanksgiving, sitting around the table eating a turkey. While the face of the turkey was blocked out, you can still read Trump’s hat, which reads “I ate Gravy.” When it was pointed out that he was pictured with a hat admitting his crimes, Trump simply said “fake news,” claimed this was an unfounded “witch hunt,” fired the FBI director leading the investigation, and launched a second investigation into the person who released the photo, rather than continue investigating Gravy’s death. Some would call this “controversial” or “suspect” or “something someone guilty of a crime who didn’t want it revealed would do.”
“It’s very upsetting, as a citizen, to see something as serious as Gravy’s disappearance shoved to the sidelines by the president’s pride,” says East student Allen Dawson. “Also, he definitely did it, because he just tweeted out a selfie of him eating Gravy with the caption ‘Dems will eat up this partisan investigation as fast as I ate Gravy. Also, I didn’t do it.’”
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