It’s no secret that there is a substitute teacher shortage in America; for some reason it’s hard to find people willing to deal with children for little pay and no benefits. Schools all over the country are having to find creative ways to make up for the national sub-shortages.
Philadelphia schools have employed over 900 “Grittys” all over the city. The large, unsettling and much-beloved furry orange creature has been using his omnipotent powers to teach at every school in Philadelphia at once. Some schools have even hired him as a permanent teacher. If these trends continue, we could see Philadelphia schools staffed with only Gritty, truly a utopia.
Alabama schools have broken new ground and started hiring openly gay substitutes, under the one rule that they can not say any word containing the letters ‘g,’ ‘a,’ or ‘y.’
New York schools have taken a different approach to the problem. Instead of actually hiring substitute teachers, the schools have been turning to unlicensed Times Square performers for their substitutes.
“At first it was weird for Mickey Mouse to be teaching history,” one student said. “But then it started to make sense.”
Nebraska has recently built its first school; they’re still working on electricity. If you or anyone you know has any idea where Nebraska is, good for you.
Florida schools haven’t noticed the lack of substitutes, they are too busy burning their schools libraries.
North Carolina has only recently realized that they have been paying their teachers.
“That money was supposed to go to the police,” said a North Carolina official. “We apologize for the confusion. We want it to be known that we didn’t mean to pay teachers; that was never our intention.”
Colorado schools have been airing “South Park” episodes and making students fill out Cornell Notes on the episodes, saying that it is a good enough replacement for history classes.
Texas schools have been using QAnon to search for substitutes.
Our own East Chapel Hill has released a statement on the shortage.
“We here at East Chapel Hill believe that students can be strong and independent,” read the statement. “That’s why we believe that our students can be their own substitute teachers.”
The statement went on to clarify that students would not be paid or earn extra credit. Students are fully responsible for each other and that the school is not liable for any harm that happens to the property or themselves.
The national Department of Education was asked for a comment on the substitute shortage; they gave only a quick response:
“There’s a sub shortage?”
Image by Daniel Cefalo & Hammond Cole Sherouse/The ECHO
