For the past four weeks, East has been grappling with unprecedented unrest and unease following a shocking development: the appearance of a mysterious sinkhole, dubbed “the Pit,” on what used to be Freshman Hill.
Scientific consensus indicates that the Pit appeared May 5, though some staff and students assert that it has existed longer, but was covered up by a rustic well next to the gazebo.
“Oh, everyone knows the Pit has always been there,” said a mysterious old groundskeeper who apparently works for the school. “We were fools to think something like this wouldn’t happen eventually.”
Whatever the case, the Pit has been rapidly expanding throughout the month, growing in diameter by an average of two feet a day. The aforementioned well and gazebo, along with several trees, students and benches have been swallowed by the Pit.
According to a recent email from the school, “All living students have remained unharmed, and were able to successfully complete their AP exams.”
Student reactions to the Pit have been mixed. Many have taken to rioting, skipping class and attempting to push their peers into the abyss. Others have developed a cult-like obsession with the Pit, gazing into it and trying to divine its secrets.
There are now several social media accounts dedicated to posting videos of the Pit’s sporadic fits of growth, as well as the various objects, people and plants it has devoured. Beholding its unknowable machinations has become something of an entertaining pastime for the student body.
The administration’s response to the threat has led to some controversy. Critics allege that poor communication and inadequate efforts to contain the spread of the Pit have led to the unnecessary loss of property and lives.
In reply to an influx of criticism, one administrator said, “All living students have remained unharmed, and were able to successfully complete their AP exams.”
At a recent Community Forum, district and school leaders held a presentation and Q&A in front of the Pit in a demonstration of the school’s commitment to “reset, re-culture, and rebuild a sense of pride and community” at East.
“We need to address the effects this Pit has had on our students and staff,” the presenter said. “We cannot confront the root causes, however apparent they may be, without first tackling the superficial symptoms.”
The event was cut short, however, when the makeshift stage fell into the Pit.
No matter what may come of these recent developments, we can rest assured that all living students have remained unharmed and were able to successfully complete their AP exams, and that whoever is supposed to be running the school will surely set things right in no time.
