The primary modifications to the policy center around a complete overhaul of its consequences. Instead of serving lunch detention, students will now be required to run laps around the football field in a number matching their accumulated number of tardies. This punishment will be enacted every four tardies, totaling one mile of distance. The count will then reset, giving students a chance to decide whether or not they are suited for regular cardio. All students with extenuating circumstances or physical impairments will be granted exemptions.
In a daring bid to tackle the persistent issue of student tardiness, the East Chapel Hill administration has unveiled a second revision to their tardy policy. This change comes as a direct response to students consistently arriving late, a problem that has continued to plague the school despite the initial policy revision.
The new punishment will be overseen by football coach Barry Strudel, who volunteered for the position. “Rain or shine, I’ll be out there. This is a great opportunity to scout talent for our football team,” declared Strudel.
Additionally, the 10 fastest students each week will be granted immunity for their next cycle of four tardies; an idea created by athletic director Mandy Grumblepower.
“I love that we’re finally holding students accountable for their physical shortcomings,” said Grumblepower. “This is going to be a major success for the development of our student-athletes.”
While this policy is certainly novel in a variety of ways, the consensus among faculty is overwhelmingly positive due to the prevalence of habitual latecomers.
“In all my years at East, I rarely see eye-to-eye with the administration, but this policy was a long time coming. Students have never been on time,” said biology teacher Debra Garcia.
Other teachers share Garcia’s sentiments, including English teacher Meal Gordan, who called the revision a “very welcome change,” even though he has to deal with over 50 tardy students per week.
“Thinking about my students running laps brings me immense joy,” Gordon said. “As soon as that bell rings, I’ll be at the door, ready to receive tardy passes with a smile on my face.”
So, despite the previous policy changes, why have East students continued to accumulate tardies? Assistant principal Jovial Champignon knows.
“These kids seem to actually enjoy lunch detention. As soon as they sit down, they all open their Chromebooks and start working on their seven AP classes,” Champignon observed. “When I was a kid, I used to go outside and touch grass. What happened?”
