As a senior looking to attend college in the near future, I receive a lot of spam emails from various D-list universities. Below is a real email I received Oct. 14:
DISCOVER REAL HAPPINESS* & DON’T MISS OUT ON A PLACE UNLIKE NO OTHER
Jane Kim residing at at [my actual latitude and longitude coordinates down to the minute and second],
Dearest compliments, your ACT/SAT scores, and GPA were simply off! the! charts!
A small, humble university like ours would be so grateful to accept a student like yourself. Your hard work, dedication to grades, volunteer hours, varsity sports, and extracurriculars will not be included in student acceptance decisions.
Although our tuition fee may make you financially unstable, you can rest assured that it will make us financially stable. Our salaries are indebted to mooching off the wages, application fees, and student loans of 17-year-olds and their parents. And for that, we are so grateful for your cooperation and choice to attend.
In this picture, which is certainly our original photograph, you can see our beautiful North quad building. We have such a beautiful campus. It is so big. And beautiful. Just so vast and totally not a sham. We are definitely not a virtual school pretending to be Princeton.
Although we have no athletic facilities, libraries, or dormitories for that matter, we are certainly working on it! Maybe it will be accomplished by the time you enroll, but we do not know.
We are pleased to announce our new and improved 15-minute undergraduate admission application! It is $5**, test-optional and we don’t require any essay, only a 400-650 word letter of self-recommendation.
Apply today to get a two-hour admissions decision!
Click here to sign up for an Our Acceptance Rate is 100 Percent Campus Tour***!
*real happiness not guaranteed
**prices may vary, $10k and up
***Virtual tours starting at $75, on-campus tours unavailable
This email was sent to jkim@students.chccs.k12.nc.us
You may not unsubscribe.
Anyone Can Get Accepted Here College Dr., Dismal, USA 11111
admissions@ouracceptancerateis100percent.edu
Images courtesy of Harshil.Shan
