Hello readers of the ECHO! Is school stressing you out? Do you feel like everything is worthless? Are you bombarded by a cacophony of demonic voices in your head screaming
“y̷̳͍̽̊o̴͍̖̟͛u̶̫̬̬̅͊͝’̷̦̈͘ͅṙ̵̳͉ę̷̔ ̴̫̺͜͝n̴̯̮̲̈́̿̕o̶̲̘͑͆ͅt̴̻̻͍̍ ̴͈̠̙͑̔g̶͎͕̱͊ó̵̢̗̀̇ǫ̶̪̟͑́d̴̤̹̑̿ ̶̭͒̋͊ȩ̷̨̊̕ͅn̴̬͇͆o̶̭̖̳̓̋ũ̵̲̆g̵̠̾̋h̷͔̝̅̓!̴̱͊”
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, well have we got a deal for you! Introducing the all new way to let go of your worries, Crisis Control!
Using all-natural ingredients such as peppermint extract, chamomile, coconut oil, copious amounts of Thorazine and horse urine, Crisis Control helps calm and soothe your mind by shielding it from unnecessary worries and anxiety. Just apply the recommended two ladles worth of the serum directly to your face and let it soak into your skin; if it burns it’s working. All you have to do is sit and watch all your worries and self-doubt leave your body in the form of technicolor yarn. Anyone who wears Crisis Control is guaranteed to turn heads wherever they go, as Coco Chanel once said, “Blind confidence and horse urine is the recipe for success.”
So what are you waiting for? Head on over to your local Trader Joe’s and get yourself a bottle of Crisis Control. Just remember to control yourself, because we are not legally responsible for any danger you may cause yourself or others.
[$25 per bottle. Results may vary. Do not take while on any conflicting prescription medication, doing so may lead to nausea, hallucinations, contentment with one’s life, or going to hell. If you are prone to making good life decisions do not take “Crisis Control.” Keep out of reach from children under the age of nine and pets, except dogs, they’re cool. (4 percent herb blend, 10 percent coconut juice, 63 percent horse urine and Thorazine, 23 percent alcohol.) No horses were harmed in the making of this product. Humans were harmed in the making of this product. Ladle not included.]
Image by Graham Jones/The ECHO
