Let’s face it, who reads nowadays? With important video gaming and Netflix watching to attend to, nobody has time for actual newspapers anymore. Besides, most high quality, unbiased news reporting is easily accessible through one’s social media feed. That article put out by @totallynotarussianspy on Twitter about Elizabeth Warren’s illicit puppy skinning facility in the attic of a deli in Boston is probably highly reputable. We at the ECHO understand that the post that some rando puts out online telling you that school has been canceled tomorrow due to spontaneous combustion is a much better headline, and we shouldn’t ruin it by reporting that it’s really only a delayed opening. As a result, we issue a full apology for reporting on reality when it’s so positively boring, and we fully embrace our destiny to fade into irrelevance against the flashing headlines of fake news, Russian propaganda and cute cat videos. For any grannies out there who still read our paper, we’ve written a top 10 list of alternate uses for the ECHO. That’s clickbait, right?
- Bag inflater: The smartest kid in the class is the one with the largest bag. It’s a proven fact. Simply putting newspapers in your backpack makes it seem heavy without the actual weight, and may make you seem buff as you effortlessly swing it over your shoulder.
- Making your own clothing: This is a cheap way to get a super original outfit. Just ignore the fact that it won’t hold up for more than a second in the rain, and passersbys will probably think you’re homeless and/or psychotic.
- Muffling your annoying neighbor: Newspaper can be used to muffle loud noises. Always keep a spare on hand to stick on the head of the kid who talks during study hall when you’re trying to do work. To increase effectiveness, apply tape. Enjoy a few minute of peace and quiet before you’re sent to have a chat with an administrator.
- Deodorant: Be sure to slip a copy of our paper to that one kid who you can smell across the room and whisper, “It’s for your own good.” Extra points if you can see their sweatstains. They’ll thank you later.
- Kindling: On that one day a year when a snowstorm blows through and drops a staggering two inches of snow, our newspaper can be used as fuel for a fire, keeping you warm for approximately 0.23 seconds. the ECHO has your back.
- Paper mache: This can be a great activity when you’re stuck babysitting and you need something to keep the brats entertained. While creating bowls out of flour, balloons, and ECHO newspaper blows their little minds, you can investigate the premises and see what mom and dad have in the fridge because, honestly, you aren’t getting paid nearly enough for this.
- Composting: Fill a container with shredded newspaper to start composting right in your house, and even right at the entrance for guests to see. If your home starts to smell of rotting food and mildew, that’s a good sign.
- Making money: Maybe, one day, the ECHO will report on something that is actually groundbreaking, like East students prioritizing their mental health and sanity over getting a 1600 on the SAT. If you tirelessly take care of this issue and keep it well-preserved for around 20 years, you can sell it and net yourself a solid $10. Talk about an investment!
- Online clout: While reading the paper may be boring, seeming smart is extremely trendy. Simply snap a pic with the paper on your lap, smiling at the camera, and post it to social media so all your friends/college admissions officers/future employers can see how cultured you are. This won’t seem staged at all.
- Eavesdropping: If there’s somebody you need to spy on, follow them unobtrusively into a cafe, bringing some sunglasses, a fake mustache, and a copy of our paper, and pretend to be deeply engrossed. Cough loudly at anything they say that surprises or offends you. Pro tip: experts cut out peepholes to get in on that sweet visual action.
