East seniors were shocked this week to learn of Principal Jesse Casey’s plot to have them kidnapped and replaced by robots at the June 9 graduation rehearsal.
The sinister scheme came to light after a group of seniors pulled a seemingly harmless prank May 25, breaking into the bins of confidential documents marked for shredding that are kept in the hallway that connects the Cafe Commons to the Wildcat atrium.
Just as they were about to dump the contents of the bins over the railing of the balcony overlooking the Cafe Commons, one of the students noticed something disturbing.
“It was what looked like a schematic for some kind of humanoid automaton,” senior Rahm Bunctius said. “As I dug deeper, I saw that there were hundreds of similar blueprints, each one corresponding to the bodily form of an East senior.”
Indeed, the confidential document bins contained detailed mechanical diagrams of robotic doppelgangers in the likeness of every member of the senior class.
Underneath, Bunctius discovered an even more shocking item: a printed-out copy of an email correspondence between Casey and a high-level official at Eduspire Solutions, the educational technology company also known for their e-hallpass software.
“Dearest Jesse,” the email begins. “Upon consulting with our research department, we are happy to report that your idea is in fact a scientific possibility. For the low price we discussed, Eduspire will be able to provide you with the fully functional ‘e-childreplacement’ androids that you requested.”
When Bunctius confronted Casey about the worrying contents of these documents, the principal begrudgingly revealed the true extent of his plan, not knowing that Bunctius was secretly livestreaming the conversation to hundreds of other seniors.
“Graduation is always such a logistical hassle,” Casey told him. “So, we figured that we could save a lot of time and effort by eliminating the human component from the equation. Eduspire was happy to supply the necessary equipment, and at the graduation rehearsal on June 9, we were going to swap out all the seniors for their robot counterparts.
“And we would have gotten away with it too, if—” Casey cut himself off. “No. I’ve already diverted millions of dollars of the school’s budget to this. I can’t let one nosy kid stop me.”
Following a guttural scream and a mechanical whir, the livestream’s feed cut out.
Since this fateful conversation, an ominous uncertainty has taken hold of the entire senior class. Though many have expressed a desire to skip the graduation rehearsal in order to save their own lives, others worry that failing to attend will impede their ability to graduate.
“I think everyone should go to the graduation rehearsal,” senior Reau Botkin said. “If we don’t, there’s no telling what could happen. What? No, I’m not a robot. Why do you ask?”
For his part, Casey told the ECHO he regrets that it has come to this.
“If students would just follow directions, we wouldn’t need to spend this much money on technological solutions,” he said. “But alas, this is the only way to keep them in line.”
He then beeped and booped, apparently having been replaced by a robot himself.
Image by Hammond Cole Sherouse/The ECHO
