Dozens of freshmen are reporting major disappointment at the lack of violence this year at East. The former eighth graders were eagerly awaiting their time at East, not for the academics or social aspects, but for the “free MMA fights once a week.”
“I was expecting some ‘Cobra Kai’ crap,” said freshman Jennifer Convertibles. “But now I’m left with an empty feeling in my heart, a feeling that can only be filled by watching high schoolers slap each other like beached seals over an Instagram Live.”
It’s not just freshmen feeling discontent; upperclassmen have reported feeling emptier than usual this school year. Without an outlet to sate East students’ lust for violence, school morale has been at an all-time low.
“Not having lockdowns every month or police cars outside the school makes the days feel so slow, they all just blend together,” said junior Jaycee Penney. “I’m not saying the fights made East better, but they made East special. It feels like we’re missing a part of ourselves this year.”
After weeks of dreariness, students have found another outlet for their violence, fighting inanimate objects. During lunch one day, Ashley The Piñata was the target of the student body’s violence.
“It was the most alive I’ve ever felt,” The Piñata said. “Being beaten to an unrecognizable pile of cardboard is definitely in the top 10 moments of my life. The student body seemed to really enjoy it.”
Since then, the student body has started to commit violence on trash cans, urinals and have even been reported destroying drywall with TI-84s, which are now more commonly used as blunt weaponry than math devices.
“It’s starting to feel like East again,” Penney said. “If we keep this up into the second semester, we’ll be ready for an even better Cinco de Mayo.”
Image by Hammond Cole Sherouse/The ECHO
